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  • 2014.10.02 Thursday

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    my existence is negative

    • 2014.07.17 Thursday
    • 00:19
    you see its one thing for your life sucking.
    its another whn you being there alone is the cause of all of the negative effects

    I am not a negative person in general
    actually im one of the most positive people youll ever meet.
    at least in the short term

    I used to work for vector.
    yea, I said it. I said used to.
    It brings me to tears sometimes.
    the place where I found humanly growth outside the church. It bcame my foundaion somewhat. I guess.
    I LOOOOOOOOOVED working there. the people, exprience, everything.
    yea, it was rough, but the relief and joy I recieved was about equel.

    I felt bad when I saw the people who obviously derseved to do great, not really did so well. I did think it was partially my fault.
    but when I think about it, perhaps I was the big problem.
    SLCoffice was succeeding like crazy before I arrived, then I left, and there were great things happening left and right. I cant believe me trying, still can, brimg everything down.
    my best is just tthe answer to failure.

    I would never take it back tho. the experience there was too great. I loved it. Im so selfish.

    talk number two.
    Im number two.
    im the multiple choice answer that is nver used. im the wong aswr.
    even today, I realized it.
    when Ayuka, Julian, and Saaki when to disney sea. oooooh, man! i know its dumb to think but I am so crushed. I probebly wouldnt have gone, but no invite!? what,,,, it cuts deep. not even a single, He, were surprisiing Ayuka this week just so you know. I know its short notice, but do you want to come?
    I would of said no. I had work, interviws, and plus I made plans to go this saturday,. but hay. let me in.
    the friends I thaught to be maybe the cloest friends to have, whnt to have fun without me behind my back. really makes me feel like Im really the choice nobody wants to take,.
    thats why I cant get married.
    unless they can use me, Im not included.

    A couple of songs came into my mind about the situaion. Beyonces irreplacable and that one song that goes FORGET Youuhuh

    the question is do I want to open up to more people?
    I personally dont. I feel like Ive opened my mouth enough times. and those secrts I carry, you guys experienened them with me.

    So even if I tried to replace them, It would be like I am replacing them with fake people. people who woulnt understand my pain even if i did open my mouth to them. theyll just think imma creap.


    The Lord really is my light. without him, I wouldnt have been able to accomplish what I have so far. He is such a true friend. I havent felt lonely ever since I started to give Jesus some effort. I feel him. some times I feel like I phisically feel his hand on my shoulder. its only happened a few tims, but they were so raal and full with love and care and powe. I LOVE JESUS! alhtough I fail him often, he still loves me, and doesnt quit on me. THeres so much a human can do, but a saviour has no limit.

    I hope more people can find Jesus. realize how much he has done for them
    it feels great to know his love. Im staring to understnd the full maning of my perpus as a missionary. I cant wait to be called and prepare more for the people I am called to love. i am going to give unconditional love to eveyone in a specific area. Jesus can love us all in the whole world. but i am human, I can only do so much. and that whole area, mission is where I am going to share Jesus love with.

    K im cool now.
    kinda.
    still upset, and hurt but cool.

    night.

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    • 2014.10.02 Thursday
    • 00:19
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